I continue to sit with my husband in a place that is painful and disheartening, only wondering what all he is holding as he does not always share the greatness of his emotions. I had a feeling that with my daughter and I having serious struggles the last few years, this year may be a disorienting and painful year for him. It also could have been me preparing for what could be since our lives had become more stable and peaceful. As he was our rock through our times of hardship and questioning, I commit everyday to being his. He has committed himself to loving and investing every part of who he is (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically) to a place and a people for 16 years, through what he believes is the leading of God. He has recently been told we don’t want you for a desired position and that he wasn’t even considered. I imagine it only heartbreaking and confusing. Having been committed and fully invested in my own ministry to a place for almost 20 years, I can’t imagine feeling and holding the rejection he has experienced. When we finally get to a place of leveling out, there’s yet another punch in the gut, for him individually, and in our gut as a family. I at least had an option when I questioned whether I wanted to stay in my job. I realized I was burned out and exhausted and was able to choose to stay. My husband has invested all of himself in his ministry, taken extra roles and done more than was ever asked of him, many times with no one knowing it was his work they were praising or benefiting from. That’s who he is. His ministry has never really tired him or given him pause or question. But now…. How could it not? How do you recover from this? How do you handle this blatant rejection of who you believe God has called you to be and from a people you love and give all of yourself to?
I know I hold my own ministry hurt here and it most likely influences how I personally feel in this moment and maybe my husband doesn’t feel the greatness of what I feel. I don’t see how he can’t feel some though. I was directly told I was not called to ministry due to my gender, and he’s being told he is not being called to pastor because a group of humans who want to look outside the church and bring in someone new. This makes me think of my own experience when we merged two hospital systems to one and our struggle with outside management was disheartening and frustrating. I finally stepped up and said I wouldn’t work for anyone but my colleague who desired the management position and he, I, and two other colleagues were all that was left in our market. Loyalty speaks volumes to me and most people. I would think 16 years as associate and knowing in your own personal heart and spirit that God is calling you to shepherd and lead would mean something. Apparently not. My mother concluded, “well God knows what He’s doing”, my reply, “and God gave humans free will.” It is hard for me not to be angry, feel an injustice has occurred and to be deeply saddened by a community of people I have known most all of my life and have come to love and care for.
My heart hopes for something greater for my husband. Something we haven’t seen or thought of yet. I’m also skeptical, and I am a human who has human thoughts. I am working to not be selfish, not to back out and say “see the institution of church is a crap shoot.” Churches hurt people because they are made up of people. In my experience, this why many people walk away and continue a personal relationship with God, but just that. We need community, but with community comes risk. When a community hurts someone you love so deeply by actions and words, it’s really hard, for me, not to write them off. At this moment, I’m working with not to becoming enraged at church people in general, church committees and church leadership. However, I’m angry. I feel betrayed, and I can only imagine my husband feels the same, he’s expressed some of this and feeling overlooked and dismissed. The way they went about it makes no sense and is honestly, unthoughtful and misleading. I guess I’m here just trying to makes sense and meaning out of something to me was disrespectful and tactless. Maybe one day meaning will come. For that I pray. For now though, we move forward, holding our heavy and continuing to love a community that we have come to call home. Home for me from my beginning, home for my husband these past 16 years. My heart prays whoever is called to pastor this community will be able to work in tandem with a man who has helped create the healthiness that this community has become, loved this community well, and chooses to remain in this community due to his calling, his listening to God’s leading in his life, and his love for these people. He is hurting, he is grieving, and he is continuing to love. As our mission and theme states for our faith community: Love God, Love Others. My husband is a walking pillar of that love.
The Journey Home 