The Journey Home

I have spoken about my restlessness and finding words for what is occurring within me. I have felt blocked at times, a loss at times, tired of everything at times, and frustrated at times. I have spoken out loud to several of those closest to me, my therapist, and my spiritual director. I’m not experiencing burn out or compassion fatigue. When I visit with my patients, I am fully engaged and present, full of compassion and empathy. I am, however, fatigued. I am increasingly tired. This is new for me, as I have normally been an energizer bunny- boundless energy and a desire to jump right back in. I’m needing to learn a new way of being because my old way is not working and not sustainable in this new beginning I am entering. I also am quickly angered by a systemic problem of over work and expectation. I am becoming increasingly aware and more frustrated with the expectations of daily grind and hold a lot not only for myself, but those I continue to care for and work alongside. I have gained clarity, along with incredible excitement (for the second half of my life) and a great deal of trepidation (what I feel I need to do) in the recent weeks. Here’s what I know:

Number ONE: I have been through a serious life crisis. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2023. I then had surgery to eliminate it in December of the same year. Yes, it has been eliminated from my body (bilateral mastectomy all margins clear), but I cannot not help but think about reoccurrence. The first part of my career as a chaplain was working with oncology patients (those dying, surviving, and some thriving). I now have the little voice in the back of my head that seems to find my quietest and stillest moments to whisper doubt. I find myself continuing to name “I’m cancer free, at this moment.”

I’ve actually had several serious life crises prior to the cancer diagnosis. I have had migraines throughout my adult life, an increase in the last several years, mostly brought on by stress and lack of consistent sleep. During the roughest part of Covid, when we were barely able to provide 24/7 coverage, I had two evaluations for stroke. One was very serious in which I couldn’t speak clearly or see. I honestly thought I was going to die and had essentially made my peace (though my loved ones were unaware). This was November 2021. That day was one of the scariest of my life. However, I had to keep going. I had to keep pushing. We live in a world that praises over-functioning, focused on financial gain and loss, and ill-equips those who work the hardest with under staffing and uninvolved management at the top level. Running the rat race was honestly killing me and it took cancer to wake me up from the perpetual sleep my over-functioning was feeding. The stroke evaluations and having a horrible case of shingles prior did not.

Number TWO: People make choices. I have been actively choosing my career over most other things in my life, and this hurts me to admit. I’m curious if this is what most people do in the first part of their lives. Feeding the ego. Finding identity in the roles you play and the things you work so hard to achieve. This is what society teaches. This is sadly what my family was taught and what was taught to me. Consistent work, consistent pay, living the American dream, this has given me a sense of safety and security for two decades of my adult life. This year I was recognized for all of the hard work I have put into revamping and sustaining a beautiful, supportive peri-natal bereavement program. I was recognized in my Baptist circles as the Woman Minister of the Year. At work, I was recognized for the bereavement work I have done, and also for the program I envisioned and created (alongside nursing) to support our long term antepartum patients providing them with activities and support for their their mental health and the health of their families (as they are away from home for extended periods of time).

In the midst of this highlight in my career, I realized, in all honesty, I’m done. I’ve arrived at the peak of my 18 year service with the health system and now experience a relentless stirring to move on to something else, something more meaningful for me and my family, and a peace that things feel complete. As I enter the beginning of midlife, I want and I NEED something different. I’ve felt this for a while and I have left it cooking in the back of my mind because I had a incessant drive to stay where I am in life, whether it was my ego, necessity, and/or loyalty and duty. I LOVE the work I do. I LOVE those with whom I work with, care for, and work alongside day after day. However, I am tired. I have had a restlessness within the depths of me that has finally called loud enough, I have no choice but to listen. This is a very hard place for me to be in, and it is also very freeing. My choice at this moment is to complete 20 years in 2026 and go from there.

Number THREE: The power of words. I named this blog The Journey Home when I began it in 2017. I’ve written some about what that means and what it has been for the last 7 years, sporadically. I’m not consistent in writing because that means sitting down and wrestling with my thoughts and feelings. I tend to shy away from that process because it’s time consuming, cumbersome, uncomfortable and reflective. I was taught early on in life by my mother, “you never write anything down, it will come back to you and you can never take it back.” It always stuck with me. I never really knew what she meant by that, and I guess I never was curious enough to ask. It obviously had an impact on me. Yet, here I am, lately writing many of my thoughts and going throughs for anyone to read. I digress…

The word I’ve chosen, or has remained with me last year and the year before that, has been HOME. Even back in 2017, home was on my mind. I’ve slowly been journeying with this word, on several different levels. Lately though, its been about coming literally home. Home to my immediate and extended family. Home to my land. Home to cultivate and hopefully grow my own food and improve my health, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I honestly do hope to document this growth and HOME-coming. I feel my life shifting…. for the better… This is scary territory for me, possibly leaving a life I’ve known and have found great safety and security in, to a life that is full of unknowns but a knowing it is right within myself. My word this year has been consistently INTENTION. I see home and intention working together within me. I’m open and I’m listening.

The first part of my life I focused on my career, which has been the most rewarding and the most draining. The second part of my life, I want to focus on my family. I want to cultivate and deepen my relationships not only with my husband, my daughter and my extended family, but with my few friends, as we age, and with my own self. This next half of my life journey, I want to be meaningful and productive in a deeply relational way. Year 42 woke me up, through crises, survival and healing. In a little less than two months I bring in year 43. As I write, I am preparing for whatever comes…