I have had some serious trouble and blocks in my consciousness especially in the last several weeks. I’ve been experiencing deep anger, was told by my therapist to let it be and not over analyze it, and I think it’s blocked my contemplative reflections, at least in my brain. It feels like brain freeze, without the painful stabbing in my head from eating frozen treats too fast. It’s more of a mass of disorganized, overwhelmed thoughts I can’t bring order to. I even feel numb to a degree and find difficulty in experiencing purpose and joy. An obvious answer is accepting and dealing with cancer. Another is an unrest and dis-ease in my soul and relationships. I came to a conclusion in therapy a few weeks ago that I need care. I want to be cared for by those closest to me. I wasn’t feeling that to an extent and it hurt. I also have not been open to the care or trusting of it when it’s given. I realize I have been setting my expectations too high. Humans are humans. We all respond in relationship differently.
I have become a more intentional person. Intentional in my time, my energy, and what I choose to invest in. I really think I’m struggling with going back to work. I don’t know why. The last two weeks have been good and my healing from my second reconstruction has gone really well. I’ve had some uncomfortable muscle pain after doing a good bit around the house and cooking but I’ve also been caring for a child who broke her elbow the day before my surgery. Maybe I’m tired. My therapist reminded me, when I came to her concerned about feeling possibly depressed and in fear of burn out right after getting back, that I was not on vacation for 6 weeks. It may be settling in that place and processing. Yes, I had two important parts of my body completely cut off and essentially gutted. I had major surgery, and all I worried about was how things were at work. It wasn’t until a few weeks in I could relax and focus on myself. These couple of weeks off (again healing after another surgery) I have not thought of work but maybe two or three times. I’ve also have several fun days away with a friend.
Maybe it is not the feeling of being cared for by others, but my own self not caring for me when I needed me most. Could be both. I know is there’s a restlessness and dis-ease inside of me and giving it space may help me to understand. I began giving words to it today and I have felt some inner peace and stillness as I continue to articulate this stirring that is happening in my spirit. Also being able to share and articulate with those few dearest to me has been refreshing too. I don’t know fully what is ahead but I’m engaging in a Life Audit that is bringing clarity to my inner world. Hopefully I’ll utilize this space to journal what becomes.
The Journey Home 