Hello mid-November… I noticed the last time I wrote was mid-August. Wow. Time has flown by, with good days and not so good days. Honestly, I don’t know that I remember many of them. Sadly, I’ve had to jump back in to work and home life, and to my dismay, have not been present for much of it. Auto-pilot is a true thing. I told my husband this week specifically, I did not like the way I have been going through life the last few weeks. I couldn’t remember what I did, or what happened the previous day. I know that not all days one can engage being fully present. However, to go weeks without feeling your body, mind and spirit fully has become alarming to me. Much of this has had to do with covering call again at the hospital (day and evening), functioning in several roles as others have been out, writing and offering a Bible Study for my beautiful group of ladies at church, working in my garden and adding on a new role at work, chaplain for our NICU. It all just came to head this week when I finally sat down to evaluate my short tempered, negative outbursts at my daughter and my feeling of disconnection with myself.
I want to be in several places at once, and cloning myself is not an option. The more I want to be home, the more torn I feel going to, and being at work. I’ve enjoyed cultivating new hobbies, such as my garden and cooking/baking from scratch, but they feel unsustainable with my work load and demands. I celebrate being able to keep boundaries at work, leaving on time, not accepting more than I desire and have energy for (groups, social activities, leadership, etc), and leaving work mostly at work and not worrying about it at home. I’ve been able to sit for family dinner every night with my husband and daughter, spend time with my parents, my brothers and their families, and work outside on the weekends getting my garden ready for winter. I have found great joy in reading and learning what needs to be done and implementing that.
I’ve started multiple blog posts about my garden, what it has come to mean to me and what it has taught me in life, lessons and spiritual insights. I haven’t completed them, for whatever reason, and finally deleted them all to see if something else brews within me. In gist, my garden has taught me the importance of pruning, digging up and discarding diseased plants, weeding (constantly), and most importantly, how much the garden needs the gardener and the gardener needs the garden. As I am beginning to clean out my garden from the summer weed growth, the fallen leaves and pecans, and pruning back my perennials for winter, I have found myself at times sad and relieved.
I am sad because my garden in going dormant for winter. I know however, a great deal of work and nourishment is taking place under the surface. I am aware there is a spiritual analogy here and I too, feel myself needing to embrace this season of wintering whatever it will look like. I am relieved in putting my garden to rest for winter because the weeding will subside until spring and I will be able to rest and use that time to focus on my family and cultivating more love inside my home. I have been dreaming and planning for what I want to plant in spring. I have time to make sure it is something I want to commit to. (I honestly want a pollinator/victory garden for the bees, butterflies, birds, and insects.) I can hold sadness and relief at the same time and know that it is right.
Putting my garden to rest for winter will involve several steps. I will clear the existing mulch (pine needles) in sections, it’s just too big to do all at once, I’ve learned this! I will weed and place a layer of compost (that I have cultivated), and I will add a thick layer of wood mulch to cover the ground and let it all settle. I want my garden to be well covered and hopefully insulated for winter. I’ve completed about half of the garden in three sections currently with two more to go. I’m waiting for the last of the leaves to fall. I also saved the best for last because it will be the most work. I have allowed the weeds to take over and have been procrastinating the incredible work that will go into clearing. I believe for me, I will be entering winter in sections as well. I feel a stirring in my soul to pause, sit, reflect, and move into this next season. Pausing and reflecting feels overwhelming, I do not like to be still. However, I’m trying to embrace it and allow what comes to come.
Preparing for winter…
The Journey Home 