The Journey Home

I’m rounding out year 42, and what an unexpected year it has been. I had a mammogram on my 42 birthday that monumentally changed my life and my body. Not only being diagnosed with cancer, having a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, I also gained incredible clarity about the second half of my life. I am grateful for the insight I have gained, and a part of me grieves not having this knowing until now. I honestly don’t know if I would have listened to my inner self, have given my inner knowing a voice to rise above my career minded, people pleasing, ambition driven, reflective avoidance, image conscious pre 40 year old self. I reflected about this in my previous post (again these ramblings I write more for my own amusement and remembrance). The first part of life, I believe, the average human is striving for success, individualism, and prestige. I’ve been reading more of the women who chose to live a simpler life, more family and home focused. While I used to reject this way of life, I now understand and see the value in it. Slowing down due to cancer, surgery and recovery has helped me to see this more clearly, and given me space to grieve what I missed, and at times, ran from.

Reflections I have going into year 43:

• I can only start living in this moment, going forward. I can’t change the past. I don’t think I want to. I can’t make up for lost time with my family and the choices I made to prioritize work, fair-weather friends, chasing this accomplishment or that short-lived dream. I choose to lament and grieve some decisions made along the way and move forward forgiving myself and others where needed. I am proud of the person I’ve become and feel more grounded in the me today than ever before. For that I am grateful.
• Concerning my job… I love the work I do. I love caring for others, especially in their most vulnerable and challenging moments. I believe it is what I was created to do. However, I have come to realize that I work for a corporate system. I’ve had to define the two. It has been really hard to step back and see my job for what it is. I believe those in the caring profession struggle with defining who they work for with who they care for, at least I do. The system does not care about you. I recently had a colleague say they came to the realization of how little they matter to the system as a whole. It made me sad because they matter to me and we’ve worked together for 18 years now. I love the people I work with, they have become family in a sense. That being said, I’ve let my job define who I am for 18 years and I’m not ready to define myself apart from what I do. I’m realizing they may not match up fully after all.
• Concerning the church, or people of the church… I can’t change people. I can’t make people wake up to the harm they inflict, or could inflict, on others. Harm through their gossip, stories they create and/or share, and decisions they make concerning how they choose to treat others, judge others, and/or ostracize others. Also, in the secrets they keep hidden out of fear of shame, judgment and rejection on themselves. It makes my angry and it also breaks my heart. What would it really look like, really, if we chose to love like Jesus? Is this even possible? I honestly believe it is. I have become enraged at times and judgmental, but when I pause and see the whole picture, the whole person and the parts that I don’t even know, my exterior softens. I also realize that to love others as we love ourselves is something I have not been able to do fully. I have learned to love myself over the last honestly, 5 years. I really love who I am and who I am becoming. I am caring for myself and authentically living out who I believe I am. I’m trying to give others the grace that I have given me.
• Concerning my family… I love my family. I have fallen in love with my family. I can’t imagine my life without any of them- the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to continue to grow in this love and be present and fully with them moving forward.

These are only a few realizations coming into midlife I have had. I know they will continue to grow and more will be had. As I enter year 43, I hope to become a more evolved, best me. Some goals moving into 43 for my next year of life:

1- I want to get back to walking more. I want to set a goal to walk at least 5xs a week. I spend a great deal of time outside working in my garden but it is not the same a physical exercise. I am continuing to remind myself of this.

2- I want to be even more integrated in leading Bible studies and giving voice to women’s health issues and aging. I’m really leaning into and defining what it means to age “gracefully” for lack of better term

3- Read more fiction.

4- Sit in reflection. I avoid this like the plague when I’m not recovering from surgery I have come to see. It’s so damn uncomfortable.

5- Continue to learn and hone new home skills. I recently sewed curtains out of my favorite table cloth. I loved it. I was so proud of myself. My hope is to eventually buy a new sewing machine, one that I really want.

Last but not least, I want to continue to get to know myself, to continue to love the me I authentically am, and to continue to stand firm in and proud of my identity (all it entails) and encourage my daughter in hers.

Happy 43 Birthday to me! Let it be honest, beautiful, and in many ways I hope boring!