The Journey Home

This past week was a big week for my daughter and for me. It was a week of new normals, great endings, and exciting tomorrows.

My daughter graduated from food therapy. She went from a child who only ate applesauce and yogurt with the occasional cracker and/or ice cream to having 20+ foods under her belt! She eats chicken and hamburgers now, along with a range of sandwiches, a few vegetables, most all fruit (except with seeds- a texture issue) and just about any carb. She went from a malnourished individual to a healthy, alert and happy child. We went from terrified, helpless parents to celebrating, exuberantly, our child’s continued journey to conquer ARFID. Her therapist we are completely in awe of and she has even helped us to see other issues with our daughter’s health that we are charging forward to help heal. PSA: People, Oral-Facial educated individuals are incredibly gifted and knowledgeable individuals. Please find one especially if you’re not feeling heard by your pediatrician, ENT, and/or medical folk. They saved our daughter’s life. Literally.

The next big event of the week was my starting back to work full time. I hit the gate running. I do believe I would have engaged my time back in shorter intervals now looking back. My job is heavy, it’s taxing and much of the time physically demanding (walking and constantly on the go). By Thursday, I had worked myself up into a terrible migraine and some moderate pain around the expanders. I also over-committed at church and have had to take a step back to see what I can do and be ok with what I can’t. That’s hard for me, but like I said, I’m a work in progress and a perpetual learner. I’m not good with limitation. I have a consistent habit of over-committing and a nasty addiction to work. I keep reminding myself I need to break this habit and embrace my new normal and my hopes for change.

This past week was big for me listening to my body and my spirit. I started a Bible study with someone I care about and with ladies I love. I usually do a great deal of research and learn about who the study is written by and where they land theologically. This time I went with no preconceived notions or conclusions. The last Bible study had stretched me to lean into my embedded theology that I had worked so hard to move away from and judge as bad. Though I have evolved and do not stand where I once was, I was able to open myself up to engage the group and honor where the ladies are on this journey of faith as well as my own soul. It was a beautiful, honest and healing experience. I had a great deal of hope for this time as well, with my dear friend leading once again.

I struggle with the theology of my childhood. I have reflected over the years and have worked a great deal to heal the wounds and open my heart to a greater understanding and more loving and welcoming view of God. In my journey I have read, engaged and participated in faith traditions and religions of the world, finding my self coming back and feeling rooted in my love for Jesus and a Christianity that is beyond that of my childhood. I love Rachel Held Evan’s words, “on the days I do believe.” I was not allowed a space to question or doubt, or I was too scared to. I’ve always been more of a rule follower, or at least within the limits of the rules with a few shoulder riding moments. It wasn’t until seminary that I heard doubt brings about greater faith. In my experience since, this is true. I also have heard scholars and theologians say jokingly that when they attended “cemetery” referring to seminary being a place where they have felt their faith goes to die. My experience is faith doesn’t go to die but how can your embedded theology not be challenged and your faith evolve when a student in seminary. At a challenging seminary and not one that continues to feed your embedded theology and train you up in the mirror images of themselves.

I digress. I attended the first night of the Bible study led by a fundamentalist female teacher via video and book. The study was produced through Lifeway, which I tried to remain open minded about. The last one was also, and from it, I received several insights and reflective thoughts I appreciated along with the fellowship of the ladies represented. Straight out the gate there was a testimony proclaiming the judgment of abortion and prolife agenda. While I personally believe in the sanctity of life for myself (including ending the death penalty and providing for the hungry and desolate, among other prolife issues some forget), I do believe women should have rights to their bodies and decisions. ALL humans should have that right. I have worked with supporting and caring for numerous women who have had to make those difficult decisions. I care for them without judgement or condemnation, only openness and love. No one knows another’s story or life experience and if we love like Jesus, then we meet people where they are and care and love them there. It’s about building a relationship. A relationship without judgment, assumptions, and conditions. Have I always been this way? No. However, today, I work my hardest to meet people from this open and welcoming place. I remind myself they too are created in the image of God and God calls us to love, like God has loved.

As I sat listening to this teacher on video, everything inside of me wanted to leave. I wanted to walk out as this was triggering and toxic theology. I have never felt my skin want to jump off my body and my body have a visceral reaction like this. This made me sad. I wanted to remain in fellowship with these women and I wanted to honor my spirit also. I struggled mentally and spiritually to try and remain in this study. This caused me to physically become sick, even to the point of vomit. Something inside of me had to get out. After much serious contemplation, and knowing I’m still recovering from cancer and my mastectomies, I gave myself permission to step away. I told my friend how much I love this group and how I have struggled to continue with what I personally believe is toxic theology. I also spoke about my over commitment to church events and how my body is continuing to recover. There was mutual understanding and a relief in my body and spirit that I can only explain by a burden being lifted. I am grateful I listened and I am grateful I was able to honor my own self, my whole self.

So it has been a BIG week, this past week and this week as well. Today is Ash Wednesday. Honoring the beginning of these 40 days to Easter and resurrection. I hope we can all reflect on the journey to the cross as we more fully understand and open our hearts to what it truly means and looks like to love like Jesus.

The journey continues…