4 weeks ago today, I had breast cancer. 4 weeks ago today I had a bilateral mastectomy. 4 weeks ago today my cancer was fully removed. 4 weeks ago today, post surgery, I made myself get up and start my recovery journey. 4 weeks ago today I had 4 drains coming out of me that I lovingly named my utters. My colleague called them my new friends. I had two removed two weeks out and yesterday, I had my final two removed. Believe me when I say, I did thank them for their service and gladly said goodbye to them in a sacred “Marie Kondo” way. Losing them sparked joy and surprisingly, fear and grief. I feel I’m now on the other side of my healing journey physically. I still sit with the reality I HAD cancer and according to my oncologist, I am now cancer free. How? When? What? These are the questions I sit with. A huge part of me is still in disbelief that even had it, as it was such a whirlwind full of fear, anger, overwhelm, hope and dread.
Six months after knowing my diagnosis, I had surgery. In between, I had a multitude of appointments with each oncology discipline, genetics, MRIs and more biopsies. I also threw myself into my work knowing that my time was near to be out and what needed to be done was a welcomed distraction. I lived in a place of minimal acceptance and I believe, major denial. My body knew, my mind knew at times, but emotionally I couldn’t process. I minimized it because it was early and hadn’t progressed and felt too simple. I still minimize it now when I think about how BIG cancer is and what it has done to those I’ve cared for and those I’ve loved and some I’ve lost. The survivor’s guilt, I believe is what I hold and that my cancer wasn’t “bad enough” for me to consider. Man do I have some things to work out in therapy!
Today though, I choose to celebrate. I celebrate my continued healing, losing the last of the drains that have aided in my recovery and helped to keep me free from infection, being able to move more freely and start doing some of things I enjoyed (washing, drying and folding laundry!), and celebrating that I’m cancer free and don’t have to endure radiation or chemotherapy at this time. I believe this journey has made me see some of this side of healthcare and being a patient with cancer and some of the emotions and thoughts that are painful, scary, and overwhelming. My hope above all is this journey helps to inform my ministry and care as a chaplain, patient, family member, mother, friend and survivor. There’s so much more to process and tease a part that I know will come in time but for now I will rest in the joy of today and my hopes moving forward.
To Be Continued…
The Journey Home 