I started to write/journal about my deep sadness and longing for a feeling of excitement and joy this Christmas only to continue with a numbness and sense of urgency to get through the rest of this year. I haven’t been able to put my finger on why. I have some ideas and honest reasons to want to move onto 2023 but a clear defined reason just isn’t there. I feel every blog I’ve read, every YouTube vlog I’ve watched and just about every podcast I’ve listened to over the years have suggested this desire every year since 2016 through the COVID pandemic. This year I feel it within me more than ever. I’m ready for 2023. But really I’m ready for some goodness and true healing and change.
I raced through 2022, not because I wanted to but because I had no time to slow down. I overworked at the hospital (picking up a remarkable amount of oncall shifts to keep coverage) and my body lost track of days, even months and a complete lack of sleep. I have not had a sense of stability or structure in my work environment in several years which has led to distrust and at times absolute chaos. Along with others, I lament when we were smaller, felt more like a family and an embodiment of care. It seems mergers and becoming large organizations is where healthcare is headed, and it just seems to be the world changing. This year I have lived everyday with questions and fear of what that day will hold and trying to be present at home with my family when I can. I’ve become short tempered and irritable and when I see the effects my tone and my reactions have on my family, I am deeply sorrowful and try to change my behavior to minimal avail. Needless to say my body, mind and spirit are exhausted. Burn out is real. Feeling helpless and powerless at work with an inability to make any real change (besides managing my own awareness and response) has been difficult to continue, however I have found purpose and creativity in caring by moving forward the perinatal bereavement program. Having little stability in a job that is incredibly stressful and demanding, the meme of Moira from Schitt’s Creek “Good is coming” has been my hope the whole year. And… some good has come. Our stress and instability has been recognized recently and there is hope to rebuild our small department as a whole, after layoffs prior to Thanksgiving.
In my last post I wrote about grief and the piles of rocks I’m slowly chipping away at. Grief and burn out are very hard companions to travel with. Befriending them and asking them what they have to teach continues to be my journey. I have had a short amount of time to unpack and process the last two years of death, illness, heartache, and fear. This will be my work to do in 2023. As I have some relief the last several months, the pain and stress has crept up slowly but most assuredly. The work for 2023 is also leaning into trusting that I’m not alone in the demands of my vocation and can lean on my colleagues to help carry the load as they are proving trustworthy and willing. I need to climb out of the pitfall as an enneagram 6- untrusting, feeling alone, and not to mention suspicious and consistently preparing for the worst. My most important work in 2023 is to calm my inner angst especially at home, where I feel safest, as I heal, taking care of myself and my home.
Through all of this chaos and angst, what surprises me most this year is how I have grown in my love for Jesus and my relationship with God. Several years ago I would say I felt the furthest away from God. I was angry, I was confused, I questioned everything and I was searching for any path that was not mainstream Christianity that I knew and grew up in. It didn’t fit anymore. I didn’t fit anymore. I hated it because it disagreed with who I’ve become and am becoming. It excludes those I love and deeply care about and ignores many of the injustices I see within the BIPOC communities. I know a majority of what I knew and believed didn’t fit anymore, but realized I can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The God of my childhood understanding was no longer the God of my adult understanding. How scary this wilderness has been and how absolutely beautiful and freeing. In the last few months I have come back to music that fed my soul as a youth and have met it with enlightened ears and refined heart. I’ve started to integrate praise music, it is still beautiful and beloved and fills my heart with love, joy and peace. This journey continues to surprise and fascinate me. So I say goodbye to 2022 with a continued hope for this next year as only I can in this moment: Tired. Bereaved. Loved. Filled with hope, and Desire for healing.
The Journey Home 