So, I said I am not good at this blogging thing. I probably should have been more consistent especially during COVID and quarantine, but the exhausting reality is… I work in a hospital and there was NO such thing as quarantine (or working from home) for me or my colleagues in all medical professions. I actually worked more, with less staff and honestly have been teetering on the very edge of burnout, if not honestly having fallen over a time or two. Working in a hospital as a chaplain, as some have blogged and started podcasting, became at times overwhelming and a feeling of barely keeping your head above water. Dealing with the critically ill, the dying and their families, alongside staff caring for them, was more than some of us could handle. I’ve seen and walked alongside the worst of the worst and all I can say is, I survived, am alive, have my health and am still willing to be a chaplain in the hospital setting. I honestly don’t want to relive those times (and it’s not that we’ve overcome it or COVID isn’t still a contender), but I couldn’t have begun to blog again without naming it.
So here a few things I learned: A whole new way of ministry through technology. While my fellow ministry colleagues with congregations, including my husband, learned how to stream on YouTube and Facebook Live, I learned how valuable FaceTime, Google Meet, IPads and phones were when needing to communicate with those on the others side of glass doors, windows, walls and quarantine enclosures. Praying for someone as they transitioned from this life to the next through FaceTime became the norm for a period of time and for this minister who believes in the power of touch and shared presence, I felt an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and disconnect. Calling their family because they couldn’t be at bedside early on was heart-wrenching and even after the reintegration of a few family at bedside still held a loss in the air of not having everyone that was desired, as in pre-COVID. We, as humans, are pack animals and thrive in community and our sense of communities disappeared during this tragic time, when we honestly needed community the most. Therapy and spiritual direction became my lifeline and even that was via Zoom and Google Meet. I learned the value I hold on human connection and being in someone’s physical presence.
I learned how to communicate and read other’s expressions through their eyes. I have heard it said the eyes are the window to the soul, in the last two-plus years I have come to experience this window through complete sacred awareness of the other. I learned to read sadness, fear, joy, pain, confusion, relief, shame, guilt, welcome, excitement, to name a few. I reflected on this at times and how much I missed seeing someone’s smile and remembered how many times a smile is a mask for what pain lies within. I learned a new fear of disease and how changing out of my work clothes and running straight to the shower before engaging my little girl gave me a sense of relief and breath knowing how important my cleansing was to protecting my family. I recognize also I live in a place of privilege being able to shower with clean warm water and have machines that can clean my clothes immediately and the ability to afford sanitizers and cleaning products.
I found gratitude during COVID through the limitations I encountered personally. The shut down of public places and group gatherings forced me to reevaluate that which I put my energy in. I grew in my joy and desire of being home, being with my husband and daughter, missing those of my family I couldn’t see, and recognizing what is important for me to cultivate and nurture in my life. My connections to many people socially (even sans social media with the exception of Instagram) became a regular phone call to and from a few and helped me to realize in this next phase of life I’m entering what and who matters to me most. I also grew to have a much greater appreciation for our educators and my colleagues throughout the medical field but especially within my department. We were few but mighty! In the midst of great disconnection, I found meaningful and lasting connection. I also grew in my understanding of God, suffering, humanity, and the love of Jesus (another blog post for sure). I was able to share my raw, unadulterated emotion of anger, pain, grief, shame, guilt, and hurt openly and honestly with the God of my youth and the God of mine today and surprising myself, fell more in love with God as I felt held, loved, nurtured, listened to and tenderly cared for.
I didn’t want to go into all detail about my experience with COVID over these last two-plus years, and I wanted to share a few takeaways that living through the pandemic I carry with me. I’m a greater person and minister having stayed the course (using a good Baptist phrase from my youth) and seen how strong, resilient, and incredibly compassionate and passionate I am and how I love doing this work I’ve been called to do in this life. So I’m here to try this blogging thing again. I have felt so many things inside of me that need an outlet and so if you decide to come back, I will be here. Probably inconsistent, but here.
The Journey Home 