This was originally posted on October 15, 2017.
Today is October 15. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and this evening there will be a “Wave of Light” where those who have lost their little ones will light their candle in memory of that precious life. I am no stranger to grief, I work with those that are journeying through loss everyday in my job. I also too have experienced some of what I would consider the most painful losses in my own personal life, the loss of our tiny son to miscarriage and the loss of a beautiful little girl that I loved as my own (twice).
February 19, 2013 our precious son was born into Heaven. My husband and I were not prepared for the grief that would follow. A lot of questions surfaced around why… as anyone who has prayed and hoped day after day to carry a child in their womb only to grieve their early death. I have met many friends and coworkers who have also experienced this deep sadness and together we love and support each other. My husband was surprised to learn that 1 in 4 known pregnancies ends in miscarriage. 1 in 160 second and third trimester pregnancies ends in stillbirth.
I have felt immense gratitude being able to walk the sacred journeys I have with the mothers, fathers, and families who are grieving the loss of their little ones. I want to be a support, advocate and hopefully show up for them however they need during those times. The outpouring of love, compassion and caring from those who have been here too is great and that blesses not just me but these families through donated handmade gowns, quilts, hats, wraps, etc to a CuddleCot a family just donated to our hospital. Until you’ve been here you never know how precious every second of time is you have with your little one.
I also think of another loss we have experienced again this year. A little girl we dreamed of adopting five years ago from the foster system who supposedly went to another forever home with her brother was placed back in the system and through our same friends six years ago we were able to reconnect with her and she came to be with us again in May of last year. I had so much hope for us to be a family of four yet again. While she was passed through the system she was never adopted and ended up in some very disfunctional and abusive homes. The system in essence failed yet another kid who has to grow up dealing with things that she never should have to.
Around Christmas she starting showing signs of acting out and behaviors that worried my husband and eventually myself. The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell her that we couldn’t adopt her though we love her so so much. What words do you say… there are none. At that point in my life I was told I’d have to quit my job and be home full time with her and that’s something that wasn’t an option for us. She was taken quickly to a therapeutic foster home and after acting out there she ended up being admitted into a facility to help her deal with psych issues. (This is what was relayed to us by our friends that have followed her and her brother with us all these years.)
It breaks my heart and angers me that even though there was emotional issues due to serious neglect when she was five, we like to think if we would have been able to adopt her then all of this could have been avoided. It may not have been but I do believe it would have. I don’t lose hope that she will be with us one day, even if she’s 17 and wants to be with us, I will give her my last name. She is a part of my family and my heart and that will never change. Forever and always.
So on this day of remembrance we join the Wave of Light to remember our precious Ferguson and to honor a little girl who will always be mine in my heart. I will forever love you both with my whole heart and we will see you both again … one on the other side and hopefully one again on this earth.
The Journey Home 